This blog post will talk about my mental health, suicidal thoughts & my reasoning for starting this company. If these issues upset or may harm you, this is a warning.
As of today, my independent company has been formed. The long road from rock bottom, to the creation of products has felt overwhelming at the best of times; the feeling of elation & triumph when a task has been completed outweighs any stress caused by the former.
At the end of 2018 my mental health was at such a low point that I had decided, and not for the first time, to take my own life. I was certain this time I would succeed in stopping the pain of living over a decade of my life with a severe anxiety disorder & agoraphobia. I spent an hour on the phone to Samaritans trying to, well, I had no idea what I was trying to do. I think it was that small part of my brain that wanted to stick around. I was so anxious I couldn’t even swallow food & for some reason the weeks of boiling over erupted in an emotional breakdown that led me to find as many pills as I could in my home & a Stanley knife blade just in case. - I’ve always been prepared. Weeks I had spent online researching the quickest & painless ways to end it all. This activity is only a rational one when you are completely depressed. It was one of, if not the worst time of my life. Not thinking straight, as you’d expect, I sent a quick message of “I love you” to the few people that mean something to me, and that have been there for me over the years of my illness. I was so depressed & irrational I had no idea that an “I love you” out of the blue would arouse suspicion.
I had to quickly go from ending it all, to sitting in a room with some of my loved ones trying to act normal. I couldn’t even breathe properly for a week so that wasn’t easy. All I could think was that I had stupidly wrecked my chance by telling my family I love them. My Dad, my girlfriend, my older brother, even my mother in law came to help me, to support me. I had to start from the beginning again & try to get counselling (for the third time in ten years). Go back on medication which I had proudly weened off many years prior. It was hell on earth for weeks; I just couldn’t see my life getting better. Over the months I slowly starting to claw my life back.
Due to my illness I have been more of less unemployed for a decade & not able to qualify for government benefits as ATOS didn’t seem to believe that mental illness was a “real” illness. I was stopped from having benefits probably 8 years ago, since then I have had basically no income. This is the so called safety net for mental illness. How many unlucky people didn’t have a family or partner like mine to help me financially?
I’m by no means cured, but I can eat my meals again. I’ve started to leave the house. I even got a hair cut - those with social anxiety will know the fear of a barber’s chair - Room 101 anyone? The anti depressants seem to be working - somewhat. Since the start of this year I have taken it one day at a time & promised myself that if I am going to be here I will try to achieve more - try to make myself proud, become a proper part of society. I want a future, I didn’t want to die, I just couldn’t deal with living anymore. It’s now about six months since my emotional breakdown & planned suicide. I couldn’t think of anything I want less than to leave. I have so much more I need to do. I want to marry my long term partner; 8 years is long enough of a wait I think. I want to have children. I haven’t learned nearly enough as I want to in life. My bookcase has too many unread classics that I promised myself I would study.
I hope one day, that this small idea can become a successful company so I can donate substantial amounts to mental health charities & change as many lives as possible. I will never stop talking about mental health issues, no matter how embarrassing this is (as a private person, believe me this is hard to do). If I can use this company to help others in the same situation I will do it.
Donating to mental health is not a ploy that I’m using to stand out from competitors, the more competitors that copy me the better, the more people helped.
I deal with this. Every day. I am not alone, which is why I need to do something.
Finally, after a decade of mental illness, I went from unemployed, to director of my own company. If no government safety net is going to help me, I am going to have to help myself. Let’s hope life keeps progressing in that direction.
If you are dealing with any similar issues please contact myself or one of the mental health charities in the U.K. I will link some of them below.
Don’t make plans to end your life. If you had told me, whilst I searched for pills, that in six months I would have created a brand, handmade all my products from scratch & set up a company I would have laughed at you. You can get better. You can have some type of normality.
“If you are considering suicide, you’re not ending the pain, you’re ending the opportunity for things to get better.” - Brian Quinn
Mental Health Foundation
Together
Anxiety UK
Samaritans
Mind
Mental Health UK.org
Heads Together
Sane
Jordan Smith