Musings on Eating Disorder Awareness

The past few days I’ve seen certain news & mental health organisations highlight “Eating Disorder Awareness Week) which runs February 28th until March 6th. Those who know my history will be familiar with my struggles with anxiety, panic attacks & depression and in turn will know I don’t have an eating disorder. I can be cynical of these “awareness” campaigns, we all can & with good reason in some senses; I still, at least in this instance took some time to read over the scientific literature. Trying to capture a little understanding of the issue. There have been dreadful increases in eating disorders recently. It’s not enjoyable reading.

I find all mental health problems showcase themselves in similar ways. My agoraphobia had me fearing to leave my house. I couldn’t even touch the front door. This, I know now as completely irrational - I guess I even knew it then. Sadly the understanding that there was nothing to fear didn’t stop my body’s physical reaction. The sweat, heart racing, struggle to inhale properly. You feel a slave to your physical symptoms. That’s why I detest the idea that mental illness is kept separate from the physical. What is more ‘you’ than your brain? What is more physical than the organ that controls, stores & makes you - You?

I see such amazing & powerful ordinary people striving to make things better for themselves; it’s inspiring. Also I see such an increase in mental health problems; especially in children which breaks my heart. Social media clearly has a giant impact on young girls & boys wanting to look a certain way - often unattainable when the icons of beauty are so airbrushed & medically enhanced that they not only stop looking like themselves but stop looking human altogether.

I think it’s important to know that everyone at some point will fall into mental despair. More acceptance & understanding would go a long way. More tools to improve the day to day stresses that can slowly build from one bad day to a bad weekend, to a bad year. Mental issues usually don’t happen in one moment, but a series of moments untreated & misunderstood. I have no doubt that the last 2-3 years will have a deep effect on our society mentally. I dare say equally as impactful as war although that history won’t be written by me or “us” but our children.

I don’t despair. I think there is hope yet.

Just like the anger, hatred & negativity you can easily experience online. You can, if you wish to find it, find positivity also. It is possible to find those who have fought & won their mental battles. So many fantastic, inspiring people. Even in your worst depressive state, to see someone who had all the same symptoms as you, living a life you could only dream of (which can be as simple as leaving home for work, seeing friends, going on a date) It can be transformational. I try to find, study & promote those positive voices. The more we see these stories the easier it is to fight back. It is a small arsenal against our own negative thoughts; whether eating disorder, anxiety or other.

For anyone going through an eating disorder. I hope you are on the right track.. If not, please keep fighting & try to seek out those positive voices I mentioned. Don’t just look for those in a similar space because you can find yourself in a negative cycle. You aren’t alone & you aren’t broken. Notice those who have fallen before you but got their life back. These are the prototypes for your journey.

In truth, my mental health hasn’t been great recently. I’m not doing “okay”. I constantly feel on the verge of a breakdown. Life gets that way sometimes. Work, family life, covid, potential house move. I’ve not done my job in getting on top of it all & the negative cycle is doing its worst on me. I know it will work out. It has in the past, it will again. I remember never believing life could turn around. I was suicidal. I know better now.
You can stand on the beach & watch the tide go out. It can go so far that it slips over the horizon. Your struggle can keep the tide in place, slow it down, continue to hold it over the edge. At some point. It will come back. It has to. It always does.

Below are some resources, downloads, helplines & materials for you or anyone that you feel might benefit from such information regarding eating disorders.

Beat eating disorders

Eating disorder helpline

Resources

Local NW help

Mental Health Awareness Week

Some may have wondered why I haven’t made a post about mental health in this “Mental Health Awareness Week”. I’ve found it hard to think of what to say. I’m not usually one for these “weeks”. People who are being bullied or have cancer or some disability will live with their condition & emotions all year round. A week might make a difference in a sense, but not much.

I am working on renting a new shop in Maghull. The plans have always included a small seating area for customers to enjoy a tea or coffee - most likely self service. Prices will not be the usual “One latte, one pot of tea, that’ll be £17 please.” The idea behind this is rather simple. When I was going through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (one of 3.5 times) I would have to build up the courage to do “exposure tasks”. Effectively forcing myself to go out into the world & interacting with others. It sounds simple but honestly, it’s hell. I’m 30 years old & I sadly can’t remember a time someone has called me, or knocked on the door, or I’ve had to leave my house - even to put out the bins - without taking a deep breath & telling myself “I’m fine.” I know that is preposterous to say, but it helps to be self aware. I’m not normal and it’s far less exhausting to accept it than pretend I am.

I digress. Exposure tasks. I was told to leave the house by my therapist. “Even if you just get on a bus for a stop”. How? Buses cost money. ATOS said I couldn’t claim benefits because I was “fit for work”. They asked questions like “can you sit at a computer? Can you pick up a sack of potatoes?” To this day I’m still curious as to what job they had in mind for me at the computer-potato factory. It turns out those two tasks mean “fit for work”. So I couldn’t get financial help.

And that’s why the last 8 years of my life I’ve had no financial support, from a system I gladly paid into as soon as my NI number came through the door.

Some people can’t even afford a bus ride, so how are they supposed to join the outside world? I wasn’t exactly going to tell my dad “I need £2 so I can get on a bus for one stop as I’m scared every time I’m in public I will vomit.” And that’s the point, we won’t talk, we will stay silent out of embarrassment - I guess I was wrong about awareness after all. It will help.

I want to create a place where anyone who is anxious about leaving the house, going through the motions of CBT, can sit & breathe; read a book, scroll on their phone, look out the window - knowing that the person running the shop (me) is just as nervous as they are. You won’t be hassled. You won’t be bothered unless you initiate it. I dislike the term “safe space”, but I want people to feel like like they can be calm & let the world slow down even for a few minutes. You know when you walk into Lush? And the staff run at you before you can say your pre-prepared “I’m just looking thanks.” Well, my shop will be the opposite to that. Laid back.

Similar to our old Preston store, I will have my record player in the shop. Be prepared for more Carole King’s Tapastry, Stevie Wonder’s Songs in the key of Life & The Beatles - everything.

On the coffee tables there will be leaflets & information about mental health for you to read or take; for yourself or anyone you know who may need it. If you’re having a bad day and can’t even afford the tea, just tell me, write it on a piece of paper and slip it to me if you are too afraid to talk, I won’t charge you. I’d much rather lose 50p then refuse to help someone go through what I have gone through. What I continue to go through. Unless you turn up every day, wearing a different wig to bag a free cuppa, then I might have to charge you for the milk & tea bags.

I hope that business can go back to usual soon so I can continue to make donations to Samaritans & other such organisations again. For those that don’t know a % of profit from every sale is donated; with our Gift boxes giving a 10% profit donation.

I know this is a strange and unsettling time for everyone. Let’s keep each other going. Support one another.

And when this is over, don’t support the giant corporations that have done nothing for you (obviously not all big companies are bad), but the local business down the road that know you by name, that genuinely care for you as a customer. We, independent, family run businesses need your help now more than ever. How else am I going to afford to go to the pub when this is all over?

P.S. Use this extra time with your loved ones not for arguments but for laughter, enjoyment & fun memories. When will you get this much time together again? And for the ones you can’t yet see, use this time to appreciate how important they are to you - how hard it is to not to see them - how we take them for granted. Be positive.

P.P.S. Take care, stay safe & remember, you’re doing great, you’ll get through this.

Preston & Beyond

Some of you might be wondering why the Preston store has now been closed for the past few weeks. I’ve had messages asking if it was complications or troubles arising from Preston City Council. This is not the case. Although there have been some bumps, especially with how long it took to finally get the keys & get signage, the council have been wonderful. We had a great deal for a 6 month lease which ends this coming March. I do believe the lack of signage for well over a month hindered the prospects of the shop, but to put it simply, we didn’t get enough people through our doors to be able to continue to run the store. It was a choice between continuing to make Charitable donations each month, or pay for the ever changing train tickets to Preston every day (including the brilliant delays & cancellations that happened nearly every day - Northern Rail).

Sadly, it is looking unlikely that we will be able to re open the shop before our official closing date in March. Most people shopping in Preston walk right past the box market, maybe not even knowing it is there; this is due in part to the design of the indoor market & its placement directly between the bus stop (parking) & the shopping centre. If we had more money for marketing maybe we could have changed that. The deal we had was so good that it would have been silly not to try, so I am glad we went ahead and opened our first store.

Preston has blown me away, the people mostly, but the architecture also. I am looking frantically for a new store, including Preston high street. I don’t really want my journey with Preston to end. I think it’s a gem of a city & it will always hold a special place in my heart due to the support & love we have felt. I will be making some trips to Preston soon on both a professional & personal basis. Finally I will be able to enjoy the Harris Museum & take some time studying the high street & looking for new, more populous premises.

Thank you to the people of Preston. You have treated me, my Brother & Mother with such respect & kindness that it will not be forgotten.

- Jordan

Post Blue Monday

I was mindful not to write anything promoting Blue Monday. The meaning & intention is heart warming but I find it all too often reminds people of the suffering or the struggles that they are facing. In truth, I wasn’t sure what to add on the subject. I saw some fantastic promotion of mental health charities & a great deal of people discussing the possibilities of simply being kinder to others. I find, most shocking about mental health, is how silent & transparent the illnesses are. Our minds see “disability” as a wheelchair; it has been drilled into us for many years - just think of the painting on disabled parking spaces. For many people, having a disability isn’t easily displayed in public, but mostly hidden under a facade like a smiling face, when in truth the mental & physical symptoms could be almost unbearable. I think we need to start taking every day, every interaction & every individual person with a tad more kindness. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of horrible people out there that don’t deserve our time - those who don’t say thank you when you hold a door open for them! Those who litter! Those who leave the noise on when they are typing on their phone!

I walk down Bold Street every time I am in Liverpool city centre & try to count how many people I walk past. I used to do this to keep myself from having a panic attack - it sounds counterproductive but it would keep my mind so busy that it would, sometimes, help keep the fear at bay. Usually, when I get to the end of Bold Street I look back down the length of the place & wonder: How many people did I walk past that have just found out a loved one had died? How many had just broken up with their partner? How many just had their children taken from them? How many have lost their jobs. How many had just got diagnosed with Cancer?

According to statistics, it would be a good amount & the most important thing to notice is, how would I know? We don’t carry signs with us showing our current mindset or tribulations. Every person we walk past or interact with could be suffering in ways we cannot imagine. So if we can take anything from Blue Monday, maybe it can be to make the possibility of “blue” days less prevalent. There may be no way of doing this on a wide spectrum, or vastly changing the zeitgeist - but individually we can do our bit. I’ll try not to be someone’s reason to feel blue - this also means online - we don’t know how our words can effect someone’s health.

I’m not the best of people, sometimes I even enjoy being hard work. I’m only trying to be a better person now because I’ve exhausted the option of doing the opposite for long enough. It’s not known if we can unhinge & break the chains we have already forged in life a la A Christmas Carol, but I know it is possible for us to stop adding new links to our ever-growing chains. So I propose we start.

I promised a certain percentage of profit to be donated to local mental health & homeless charities. Although my company has yet to turn a profit, due to investing back in the business & building ourselves up from the ground up (I’ve still not taken a wage since June 2019) but I promised to donate - And could not ignore that duty.

Over the past 6 months the company has donated a few hundred pounds to both the Samaritans & The Whitechapel Centre in Liverpool respectively. We will continue to support these causes & others brought to our attention with each sale.

I didn’t make these donations myself, these are from customers, these donations, as small as they may be can sometimes be enough to give someone a meal, a place to stay warm overnight - or just someone to talk to - is there anything more sad & unwarranted, in an overpopulated world, than lonely people?

Without the sales, without the customers, these donations could not happen. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You will never know the specific people you have helped with your purchases, but that’s the point - you shouldn’t need to. They could be walking past you on Bold Street any day. Remember that. And let us all try to make the idea of a Blue Monday a thing of the past.

Thank you: First online sales & more

I’m genuinely surprised at how successful things have been in the past few months. Okay, I still haven’t made a wage out of the business, or paid back investors, but within the week I will have hit an amount in revenue that will equal the initial investment & set up costs. We have sold over 400 bars of soap already (in only around 12 market days) & the feedback has been amazing. There have been so many exciting firsts; First returning customers, and seconds & thirds for that matter; first online sales, first gift sets sold - the list goes on.

I initially hoped to trade for 12-18 months before looking to settle into a permanent shop - but due to the hard work & customer retention we are now within weeks of setting up our first store. It’s a shame our first store cannot be in Liverpool, but Liverpool rent rates are still unbelievably high - leading to all those boarded up shops you see. I keep hoping that due to online sales killing the high street - that the British high streets might force landlords to lower prices which would allow local small business to take back control of their cities. Years back, your local butcher or green grocer had a shop on the high street, then Wooly’s & other such companies took over & left them trading from a stall in wind & rain. Maybe the economy will bring back our High Street & sense of community?

I’m hoping to be a part of that.

We will be opening a small store in Preston very soon, before October, so keep your eyes peeled as we will have some great offers for Preston residents.

We have already made 3 small donations to local charities due to sales - if our aims for September are achieved we should see a good amount donated on October 1st.

Every sale = a donation, so if your significant other tries to nag you about buying more soaps & bath bombs - just tell them that on top of buying products so beautiful you hardly want to use them, you’re also helping people most in need. We don’t knock on your door, we don’t harass you with calls or emails, we don’t stop you in the street & make you feel guilty for not donating - we make great products, you buy them, we make a donation from that amount. It’s that simple.

Keep supporting us & we will keep supporting our city.

Thank you so much to all our customers - It has been a genuine delight for me, as someone who has suffered with agoraphobia & panic attacks to speak to so many nice people face to face & feel comfortable. This en devour has honestly changed my mental health & in turn my life.

Jordan Smith - Director, Crescent Liverpool ltd.

And so it begins...

This blog post will talk about my mental health, suicidal thoughts & my reasoning for starting this company. If these issues upset or may harm you, this is a warning.

As of today, my independent company has been formed. The long road from rock bottom, to the creation of products has felt overwhelming at the best of times; the feeling of elation & triumph when a task has been completed outweighs any stress caused by the former.

At the end of 2018 my mental health was at such a low point that I had decided, and not for the first time, to take my own life. I was certain this time I would succeed in stopping the pain of living over a decade of my life with a severe anxiety disorder & agoraphobia. I spent an hour on the phone to Samaritans trying to, well, I had no idea what I was trying to do. I think it was that small part of my brain that wanted to stick around. I was so anxious I couldn’t even swallow food & for some reason the weeks of boiling over erupted in an emotional breakdown that led me to find as many pills as I could in my home & a Stanley knife blade just in case. - I’ve always been prepared. Weeks I had spent online researching the quickest & painless ways to end it all. This activity is only a rational one when you are completely depressed. It was one of, if not the worst time of my life. Not thinking straight, as you’d expect, I sent a quick message of “I love you” to the few people that mean something to me, and that have been there for me over the years of my illness. I was so depressed & irrational I had no idea that an “I love you” out of the blue would arouse suspicion.

I had to quickly go from ending it all, to sitting in a room with some of my loved ones trying to act normal. I couldn’t even breathe properly for a week so that wasn’t easy. All I could think was that I had stupidly wrecked my chance by telling my family I love them. My Dad, my girlfriend, my older brother, even my mother in law came to help me, to support me. I had to start from the beginning again & try to get counselling (for the third time in ten years). Go back on medication which I had proudly weened off many years prior. It was hell on earth for weeks; I just couldn’t see my life getting better. Over the months I slowly starting to claw my life back.

Due to my illness I have been more of less unemployed for a decade & not able to qualify for government benefits as ATOS didn’t seem to believe that mental illness was a “real” illness. I was stopped from having benefits probably 8 years ago, since then I have had basically no income. This is the so called safety net for mental illness. How many unlucky people didn’t have a family or partner like mine to help me financially?

I’m by no means cured, but I can eat my meals again. I’ve started to leave the house. I even got a hair cut - those with social anxiety will know the fear of a barber’s chair - Room 101 anyone? The anti depressants seem to be working - somewhat. Since the start of this year I have taken it one day at a time & promised myself that if I am going to be here I will try to achieve more - try to make myself proud, become a proper part of society. I want a future, I didn’t want to die, I just couldn’t deal with living anymore. It’s now about six months since my emotional breakdown & planned suicide. I couldn’t think of anything I want less than to leave. I have so much more I need to do. I want to marry my long term partner; 8 years is long enough of a wait I think. I want to have children. I haven’t learned nearly enough as I want to in life. My bookcase has too many unread classics that I promised myself I would study.

I hope one day, that this small idea can become a successful company so I can donate substantial amounts to mental health charities & change as many lives as possible. I will never stop talking about mental health issues, no matter how embarrassing this is (as a private person, believe me this is hard to do). If I can use this company to help others in the same situation I will do it.

Donating to mental health is not a ploy that I’m using to stand out from competitors, the more competitors that copy me the better, the more people helped.

I deal with this. Every day. I am not alone, which is why I need to do something.

Finally, after a decade of mental illness, I went from unemployed, to director of my own company. If no government safety net is going to help me, I am going to have to help myself. Let’s hope life keeps progressing in that direction.

If you are dealing with any similar issues please contact myself or one of the mental health charities in the U.K. I will link some of them below.

Don’t make plans to end your life. If you had told me, whilst I searched for pills, that in six months I would have created a brand, handmade all my products from scratch & set up a company I would have laughed at you. You can get better. You can have some type of normality.

“If you are considering suicide, you’re not ending the pain, you’re ending the opportunity for things to get better.” - Brian Quinn

Mental Health Foundation
Together
Anxiety UK
Samaritans
Mind
Mental Health UK.org
Heads Together
Sane


Jordan Smith